I can’t believe how quickly time has gone by, although now it seems like it is taking forever for our daughter to get here.
I couldn’t be more nervous, but also more excited. Everyone tells me how excellent of a mother I am going to make, and I sure hope that they’re right, because the pressure of doing so is just so great.
Before I got pregnant, I was still on the fence about ever having kids to begin with…but now that I am, I really can’t imagine my life without having this tiny little girl in it. I look at the crib that is set up in my room and can’t help but get anxious when I see that it’s empty, knowing that in a couple weeks’ time it will be occupied with a perfect baby girl—a human that is mine and my fiance’s. A human we’ve created.
Get here soon, Avory. I am getting far too impatient now.
So back to bed I go.
I still don’t feel too well anyway.
ajshdfakasjfueg.
Stupid hormones. Stupid, stupid hormones.
Always making me feel sad and stressed and irritated and hot and boring and worried and sick and more stressed and tired and lonely and everything. I feel like they’re making me into a less positive version of me. I feel like as of the past week or two I’ve become this boring, blubbering mess. I feel like I’m pushing all my friends (what few I actually DO have) away because I’m always working, and when I’m not working, I’m sort of afraid to be too far away from home because I’m going to be 9 months pregnant next week, and my daughter is going to be here at any time really, and my room still isn’t ready, and she still has no place to sleep yet, and there is no room for all the stuff she has, and I won’t be able to go out and do things that 21-year-old girls do, and all of this responsibility is hitting me all at once and there isn’t anything I can do about it.
I need to find a second job because the shitty one I have right now I barely make $100 a week, and that’s nowhere near enough to be able to support a baby. But nobody is going to hire a girl who is nine months pregnant, so I have to wait until I have the baby and come back to my job after my leave, which I may not even be able to take the entire 6 weeks off because I’m not getting paid for it, and I don’t think I’ll be able to afford going 6 weeks without being paid and having a newborn.
My stress levels are sky high and thinking about all of this is making me physically sick to my stomach, and giving me a headache, and making me sound emotionally unstable and whiny and annoying and just. I don’t know.
I don’t know what to do at times like these when the stress gets to be too much to handle and I’m all by myself at night, not having anybody to unload on because 1: they wouldn’t understand and 2: I don’t want to be that kind of burden. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I want the old me back, and I want her back soon.
This me just kind of feels like she’s not being enough, and I am just absolutely terrified.
I just want to be able to relax and not worry so much and do something to take my mind off of everything and just be. But I can’t. I feel lately all of this stress and worry and responsibility feels like the weight of the entire universe on my shoulders and there isn’t anything I can do to stop that. I just want to be enough. I just want to be myself again.
And I’m sorry for ranting and complaining and whining…I just needed to get it all off my chest somehow.
Like, did I just die and go to hypothetical heaven?
Need. To. Go.
Seriously.
Like, everything I see is about how much life sucks, or how hurt somebody is, or how shitty being in love is.
I think more people need to start being happy. Nobody else is going to do it for you. Just let go of the past, take a deep breath and just move on. Trust me, you’ll thank me later.
I wasn’t happy until I came to terms with my past rather than reliving it. I just look at it all as mistakes needed to be learned in order for me to achieve the happiness I’ve got now. I can honestly say I’ve never been so happy in my life as I am right now. I’ve got an amazing fiance who makes me feel unlike no other, and a perfect little baby girl on the way. I’m doing well for myself. I’m a much more likable person than I was in the past.
If everyone thought like this and just got the hell over anyone and everyone who hurt them in the past (trust me, they’re not worth it), I think we’d have a less people with depression. Just saying.
Hopefully this time it works.
Goodnight
